All these years I thought that I had done a darned good thing,
Striving to be on top of it all, even though we had nothing,
Of trying to be the best daughter, wife and mum.
Only to learn that all I caused was heartache tears and glum.
Coz as a kid being abused made me extra insecure and emotional,
Overly Protective of my own kids which at that time I thought rational.
Trying to keep them near to me and on their doings a motherly eye,
Years later to find out that, they felt imprisoned and their childhood a terrible lie.
Knowing that I am the cause of so much bottled up hate,
Even of a child who stammers and becoz of me can’t even find a date.
No family, friend or anyone did I ever had to speak.
I grew up to be Scared, scarred afraid and really meek.
Holding on to my children back then seemed like I was protecting them from the world.
Only to learn now that I was smothering them and making them hard and cold.
I guess working from home to be with my kids and mother wasn’t the wisest thing to do.
Working round the clock even when I was the sole earning member too.
Most times shit hit the fan with my husband and my mother,
Their constant exchange of heated words to rile one another.
Like a volcano I would errupt and shout till my nerves did show.
Was the screams of the child in me, just wanting to let it all go.
Little did I know I passed the same feeling down to my own precious kids.
The feeling of frustration, pain all with their bottled up lids.
As it was easily said that if over my emotions I would have had some control,
Would have changed the past somehow and not let the wasted years take its toll.
All my life I’ve had no regrets right up untill this week,
Maybe I should have just died back then when that monster made me meek.
It would have saved my kids and me a lot of bother,
If only they had gotten a more perfect and better mother.
Too late now to change everything that’s foregone
I have to live out the rest of my life just wishing I wasn’t born.
I hope someday my kids think of me with feelings of love and care.
All the simple good and fun times, I tried my best to share.
My heart is so heavy now, so burdened do I feel.
It’s going to take my entire lifetime, with all this to deal.
I hope someday my children know how very much I love them,
I have been living my dreams and seeing life through each of them.
My heart wants nothing of earth’s wealth and measures,
It will always carry my children who are my biggest treasures.